he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
