You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
soo... how was my night?
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