I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
