i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
