When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
