It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
