Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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