Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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