tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
