connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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