She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
