They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
