Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
