i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
