I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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