So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
