I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
