I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
This can only be settled by a dance off.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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