Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
