and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
