If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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