I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
