She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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