Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
