Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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