Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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