you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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