Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
