while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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