dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
