I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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