my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
