I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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