enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
