I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
