We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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