you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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