You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
