that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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