last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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