hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Randomize
