here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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