The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
