You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
