I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
