Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
