The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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