He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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