I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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