it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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